This thing with stephanie (or lack thereof) is really getting to me. You'd think I'd be used to girls flipping on me or in this case dissapearing for one reason or another... I mean it's not like I was in love with the girl or even knew if that ever could/would happen, or that I would even want it to. I have no interest in attempting to predict where that was heading if anywhere at all, just enjoying the ride. I just look at every encounter as an adventure and it's feeling like this one got abruptly cut short. With Keri I know I could have moved away from the frustration sooner if I'd only understood the reasoning behind the dissapearing act. Granted I dont' know her that well but this seems fairly out of character for what she's displayed thus far.
ARGH!
I hate not understanding.
I keep waiting for her to call all of a sudden with some grandiose if not logical explanation for her absense (which seems closer to her character than any other outcome...) yet I'm not really expecting it at this point. More over what I'm really stuck on is the idea she's not OK. So i keep worrying. I think at this point a call saying she hated me and never wanted to speak to me again (as irrational as it would be) would be better than me worrying.
I probably sound a right floop going on about someone I haven't know that long, but for me a friend is not a temporary thing. My loyalty is thick and resloved and I am thinking slightly excitable for it being out of work lately (being all my friends are in Washington and whereas my loyalty does indeed extend that far it's not put to a lot of use, certainly not as much as it was when I was in proximity..)
I don't write my friends off.
They are important to me, even if I've only known her for so long, I apply my loyalty and kindness to it's full extent until whatever doubt or misgivings chip away at it's integrity. Some people consider this the backwards way of doing things, that someone should earn that loyalty and trust. Maybe they're right, "trust too often and you may be decieved, trust too little and you will live in torment forever." Not sure who said that but it's a quote I've carried around with me since I was 11 or so.
I just don't know.
Whatever the reasoning... I just want to know she's ok.
I'm worried now also that I've blown it. That she's registered my worry and took it as a sign that I'm obsessive and neurotic.. which may be true but it's not something that would necessarily be a bad thing. I care a lot but I'm not clingy, I'm a strong self assured individual, and maybe it's some form of maternal instinct or whatnot but I take my friends under my wing on occasion and will do most anything for those I consider a true friend.