Ok, so my biological clock is going off and no matter how hard i smash it with a sledgehammer it keeps going off...
I had extensive dreams of having a baby, being pregnant, the act of me getting pregnant which involved a good friend of mine, a syringe with a long tube hooked to the end of it and lots of laughter. In many ways I hope this was a glance into the future, though my future mate still remains a mystery to me, even in my dreams.
I read an interesting quote this morning... people who are in love may sleep in the same bed but they have different dreams.

Hmm.. where to begin?
Well...
Stephanie hasn't called me in a while, I talked to her sometime last week, it wasn't anything expressed exactly but it was definetely implied that she was going to invite me over when i got off work, just had to call her after work.. she didn't answer. Owell, I went home and read. I had fun heh...
Anywho, so I have left messages, on her voicemail and with her roomate, still no word.
I'm not the type to take a "hint" if one is being implied, only if it is factually stated.
Some people get frustrated with this thinking I'm dense and don't have a clue, but in reality it's because I won't assume. I would find it a worse fate to call her when she doesn't want to talk to me but hasn't expressly said so rather than ASSUME she doesn't want to talk to me, pout about it and get myself all pissed off only to find out it was an accident or whatever, not to mention the fact that i'm not attached enough to let that get to me.. well exactly. I'm letting it get to me a bit only because of our friendship, I don't have many friends here so I definetely notice when one goes missing. I like having options as plenty of you (my friends in washington) are aware of. I don't really have many of those around here. I can either A) go home and read, B) go out with Crystal and get drunk, or C) Hang out with Stephanie (whenever the opportunity presents itself which especially lately is infrequent at best). Which brings me to my current prediciment (sp?)... I met a girl online who seems to be interested in me. I'm not interested in a relationship, and I can't tell if she is though I've definetely told her my feelings about this subject while talking on the phone. The thing about this that concerns me is that she's younger, she's 17, barely...She's very nice and sweet and I enjoy talking to her, but I'm fairly sure that I wouldn't want anything else out of this, even a physical thing. If I was 23 and she was 20 this would hardly be an issue but there is a lot of growing up to be done in those three years. Now I'm not saying she's immature, but I can almost guarantee you that if me now met me at 17, well there'd be some words between us heh...
She's getting a ride into Reno tomorrow to come visit me. We're supposed to hang out after I get off work and I'm going to drive her home. If all goes well I will have made a friend, which I'm definetely in short supply for these days (and please guys, when I say this I mean in proximity, I know I have a lot of friends who love and adore me, but I need some proximate companionship, though it will never compare to our friendship(s))
I don't know
I don't know
I just don't fucking know...

Oh and they took all my overtime away from me because apparetently the director of the department I work in was unaware of all the overtime he was going to be paying me, and it looks as though I was getting paid my current sallary when I was working over there.. ick

I got home from work and crashed
I ended up dreaming
I was driving, in an SUV type vehicle I think.
It was dark,
I'm not sure if it was raining, or just kind of icky out, no it wasn't raining but there wasn't a lot of visibility, it may have been fog...
anyways, I was listening to some monologue from a movie, I don't know what movie or if it even exists but in my dream it was kind of a classic...It was a movie most people had seen but I hadn't, anyways I was listening to this monologue while driving rather erratically trying to find an address, I think I was listening to the monologue on a loop, and a lot of it was giving me directions as to where I was going. I don't remember everything the woman in the monologue said but it was basically along the lines of the worst thing that was happening was having to give over her life to this other woman, that she'd moved in to her house, and all around stolen her identity. She had this immense pain in her voice as she spoke. I felt this insane connection with her, I needed to know her, I felt like I already did, I almost felt like finding out whatever it was I was searching for would help me know something of myself, because she WAS myself... I was frantically trying to find her house. I came to a stop light that was green, I slowed down for it so I could take down the address that the woman spoke of in the monologue, the road took a sharp turn to the left into a driveway, but while I didn't take the turn too fast, I didn't really have my hands on the wheel I guess, something, I took the turn as tight as I could and ended up with the tail end of my vehicle right on the edge of the road. Did I mention the corner of the road was a 200 foot drop into the bay? Well it was. Anyways I woke up to myself freefalling, waiting for the impact.

Well...
for those of you I haven't been in direct contact with in the last few weeks here's my update:

Well...
We're nearing 3 feet of snow now.
After nearly breaking my back yesterday (friday) digging out my grandmother's car (which is 4wheel drive I was going to borrow in order to make it to work after my car wouldn't start when my dad went to help me put chains on it... ), only to finally finish, come inside to rest for 10 minutes before I was going to leave nearly 2 hours early for work from my boss. In a nutshell the buffet where I work is getting shut down till monday. This is very ironic speaking last week I called in to say I didn't think I could make it in the snow and the same boss told me to grin and bear it, drive slow I'd make it, I believe his exact words were "We're not just going to close the buffet because you don't want to drive in the snow." I just found it ironic that the same guy called me to say they were closing it coz NO ONE wanted to drive in the snow.
So I had a 7 day workweek, followed by 5 days off, possibly more if the snow doesn't let up.

I've gotten hooked into this show called Carnivale on HBO. It's on "On Demand" cable thingymajjig or whatever, meaning you can play the episodes any time, stop, pause, rewind the whole bit so I spent the better parts of yesterday and today watching the first season. I have two more episodes left so I'll probably finish it off tonight before bed.

Had a blowout fight with mom and dad today.
Some things were said that shouldn't have been, and some things were said that had been needing to be said for quite a while.
Overall my day was emotionaly cleansing if not exausting and painful.

Well... She emailed me back.
She's ok.
She's not crazy.
She doens't hate me for some weird reason.

Just wanted to let anyone who's reading this know, I've begun posting my poetry onto my other blog titled Passion. I still don't have any kind of original layout but I figured since I'll be getting my poetry over there you guys could have access to it. Also, any of you who posted comments originally... I haven't quite figured out what to do with that yet, I love having those comments, so either you guys can post more, or I can copy paste them into the entry itself... haven't quite figured that out yet but for now there will be duel postsings of all those poems that have comments in them so yeah...
and now, back to you regularly scheduled programming...

This thing with stephanie (or lack thereof) is really getting to me. You'd think I'd be used to girls flipping on me or in this case dissapearing for one reason or another... I mean it's not like I was in love with the girl or even knew if that ever could/would happen, or that I would even want it to. I have no interest in attempting to predict where that was heading if anywhere at all, just enjoying the ride. I just look at every encounter as an adventure and it's feeling like this one got abruptly cut short. With Keri I know I could have moved away from the frustration sooner if I'd only understood the reasoning behind the dissapearing act. Granted I dont' know her that well but this seems fairly out of character for what she's displayed thus far.
ARGH!
I hate not understanding.
I keep waiting for her to call all of a sudden with some grandiose if not logical explanation for her absense (which seems closer to her character than any other outcome...) yet I'm not really expecting it at this point. More over what I'm really stuck on is the idea she's not OK. So i keep worrying. I think at this point a call saying she hated me and never wanted to speak to me again (as irrational as it would be) would be better than me worrying.
I probably sound a right floop going on about someone I haven't know that long, but for me a friend is not a temporary thing. My loyalty is thick and resloved and I am thinking slightly excitable for it being out of work lately (being all my friends are in Washington and whereas my loyalty does indeed extend that far it's not put to a lot of use, certainly not as much as it was when I was in proximity..)
I don't write my friends off.
They are important to me, even if I've only known her for so long, I apply my loyalty and kindness to it's full extent until whatever doubt or misgivings chip away at it's integrity. Some people consider this the backwards way of doing things, that someone should earn that loyalty and trust. Maybe they're right, "trust too often and you may be decieved, trust too little and you will live in torment forever." Not sure who said that but it's a quote I've carried around with me since I was 11 or so.
I just don't know.
Whatever the reasoning... I just want to know she's ok.
I'm worried now also that I've blown it. That she's registered my worry and took it as a sign that I'm obsessive and neurotic.. which may be true but it's not something that would necessarily be a bad thing. I care a lot but I'm not clingy, I'm a strong self assured individual, and maybe it's some form of maternal instinct or whatnot but I take my friends under my wing on occasion and will do most anything for those I consider a true friend.

well long ass story short we have about 2 feet of snow on the ground. took me two hours to get home from work whereas normally it might take me a half an hour... woot....
stopped by stephanie's and left a note coz i'm getting kinda worried about her. last i heard from her we were supposed to hang out on my bday. when she didnt' call me back or answer her phone like she said she was i started to worry and try to push down the "getting stood up" feeling ESPECIALLY on my fucking birthday!
well her truck was there one night and gone the next
along with a note i had left
she's been home and didn't call.
surpressing primal urge to be angry

Well.. my day started out by sleeping in which was wonderful especially after work last night (it was awful!) then I got a call from Sami during which he sang me happy birthday all sweet like. Next I got a call from Stephanie which was a nice surprise and we might end up hanging out later tonight. I went to Keva Juice with Crystal looking all scrubby in my pj's and flip flops though it was very comfy so I didn't give a fuck lol... I'm currently dressed to the 9's to go out to dinner with mom, dad and grandma. We're going out to Red Robin so I think mom is looking at me kinda odd being all dressed up but hey, you only turn 20 once and I don't get an excuse to dress up very often so I'm taking the bull by the horns and having a good time hehe...
I got my 90 day review yesterday and got "above expectations" on everything, so that was a very pleasant surprise yesterday. Well I think we'll be leaving soon.
Happy birthday to me!