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Wednesday, February 23, 2005
wake up call that shouldn't have been... Well sometime in the middle of the night my eyeball started hurting really bad, I realized I'd left my contacts in so I got up, took them out, took some more Benadryl and went back to sleep. My eye kept hurting throughout the night/morning and I was eventually taken from a dream in which my eye was bleeding profusely and I couldn't get to a doctor, by the sound of my phone ringing. So as I attempted to wake from my Benadryl induced coma I saw that it was none other than the girl I've been pursuing. I do my best to shake the sleep from my eyes, clear my throat, and make my brain begin to work via kick-start... "hello?" "hi, is this Christy?" "uh yeah" "hi this is K******'s ex gf" "okaay" "so I hear you've been calling her a lot and asking her out and I really don't think that that is appropriate and I don't approve" "well I told her what I was doing, and I told her what I was at, I also made sure she knew that I would respect her boundries if she set some, she didn't." "well I don't think that's appropriate since we are trying to work things out and get back together" "well if that is the way that she feels then you won't have to be afraid of me trying anymore, you won't have to be afraid of me as a friend..." she cuts me off... "I aint afraid of no one sheeeiiiit" "uh ok" "she doesn't even know I'm calling" "aah ok" this is making more sense now speaking K's not the kind to sick her ex on a girl coz she's too much of a pussy to reject her herself, doesn't seem like her style.... well anyways that was pretty much the convo, at first I was angry with K thinking she told the ex or wanted the ex to do that, now it just makes me want to try harder. The way K tells it to me, they'd been dating for around 7 months or so, the girl is 18 and has a 1 year old kid... then out of the blue the now ex calls her tells her she's a waste of time, energy and basically a waste of space in the universe, that she never wants to talk to her again and don't ever call her.... sounds similar to the way I got dumped ny keri, and I know that that is no fun at all, I also know that if right after that happened keri had come back, apologized and promised that she wasn't going to fuck with my head anymore, I'd believe her. Or at least I'd want to believe her so badly that I would act on the hope that it was true rather than the probability.... so the fact that her ex called me means she knew my name, and if K didn't tell her to call me the ex sounds like she is very territorial and she can't be very confident in her place with K if she's calling some random chick she met a week ago because she feels threatened... i mean really now heh... So I guess while I said I would respect K's boundries, I never said anything about the ex's bourdaries, granted I'm not looking to get my ass kicked or anything but I would like to follow through with this. .. I don't want to seem like I'm tattleing on the ex, and I don't want to insult the ex, I do want to get my point across that until she herself tells me so, I'm not backing off.... fuck... I sure know how to pick em huh? Tuesday, February 22, 2005
*gurgle gurgle gurgle* ok... so I was supposed to get off at 11 didn't get off till almost midnight just now stepped in the door around 1am. It's snowing a lot again... I've had a fairly miserable day all things considered people were complete idiots at work (not coworkers, guests) too many people were yelling, impatient, unhappy, and just plain rude. I still have this gawd-awful head cold/sinus crap/ear pain thing and... K said no to going on a date with me. she is spending time with her ex on friday she hopes they'll get back together i told her straight up that I was asking her out on a date and did it bother her that I would keep asking until she either said "back off" or "no" she said it didn't bother her and that she really doesn't know what's going on with her and her ex... I told her that I don't take hints, I don't assume anything and that I'm interested in her enough to get turned down a few dozen times though I'm really hoping it doesn't come to that are things ever simple? if things were simple would we still want them after we got them? I have two tickets to the orchestra and am thankful that I didn't make the reservations to the french restaraunt I was planning on taking her.... I would like to go to the orchestra still I don't want to go by myself I don't want to take anyone else I feel like a sick dog that needs to be put down Monday, February 21, 2005
mur so.... semi-update of sorts I suppose... I've since transferred to the front desk so now I am your friendly hotel clerk getting paid about a dollar more an hour, am now guaranteed my full 40 hours and usually a lil extra, and I get to sit on my ass for 8 hours at a time hehe... In other non work-related news, I went to a rave. I had a blast. While I was there I ended up attempting to flirt with this girl there, which ended up in slight embarassment a much of my attempted flirting does... I had seen her outside having a cigarette before and was caught by her eyes immediately. I sort of sought her out after that and ended up finding her spinning glowsticks from long strings, I was just kind of magnatized there staring at her until they ended up getting tangled. After semi watching her and semi going off and dancing for about 20-30 mins I walked up with my courage in my throat and meaning well asked "do you need nails?" and I showed her my nails which I have recently gotten done so they are longer than I've ever had them, I know, weird (or as kelly put it "how is any one going to know you're a dyke if you have your nails done???"). Anywho, so she stares at me in utter bewilderment and I scamper off embarassed. Later I was outside in the smoking area kind of in the corner just people watching, and she glances over at me saying how sad I looked over there in the corner all by myself and that I should go over and talk to her and her friends. She introduces me to everyone and we bull shit for a while, then she says "it was really weird, this chick just comes up to me out of nowhere and asks 'do you need nails'?" I timidly admit that yeah, that was me, she didn't have a clue what i was talking about, we all laughed about it, and have laughed a bit since then about it still heh... well she gives me her number, i get hers, and long story short we've spent nearly every night since on the phone for at least an hour sometimes as much as 4 hours on the phone with eachother. We've hung out once on friday, I had a good time but had to go home early to watch grandma. So... I'm interested in this girl. I have NO intention of rushing things at all. She says she may or may not be moving to Walla Walla, WA in two months but nothing is set in stone and she made sure to reinforce this in my brain a few thousand times while telling me about it.. hm? I would like to see if this could go somewhere. She throws me off balance like no other. Every other time i've been interested in someone I haven't been scared at all, granted my intuition was politely prodding me from the back of my head telling me to run away but did I ever listen once? well no such prodding exists here, fortunately, but unfortunately because i subconsciously knew that those endeavors weren't going anywhere there was never any real fear. Don't get me wrong, I've been hurt, there's been pain, but there's never been any initial fear of rejection. I was fine with whatever happened, whether the feelings were mutual or not I would be ok... So I decided tonight after she told me this that I want to take her out. Let her know I'm serious without putting any pressure on the situation. So I get home and my sister M is there, I ask her if she knows of any websites or anything with upcoming events like concerts and whatnot in the area, because I have someone I'd like to take out but I'm not sure to what yet. She tells me that she has two tickets each for the symphony on thursday and orchestra on friday and would I be interested... well i nearly shit a brick because the girl... K likes classical music apparently.... !!!! so now I'm just trying to figure out where to take her to dinner beforehand... I've never done anything like this before. I've been on your average movie and pizza type date but nothing like dinner and the orchestra before. I've never had anyone take me to something like that and with the exception of one person I've never felt the need to... I don't want to say impress... or even convince.. I'm not sure what word I'm looking for here.. but i've never really felt the need to do something special. maybe impress and convince are the right words just not in the context of where i was initially intending that word.. i don't want to impress her with money or convince her i'm worth getting to know by taking her out, but maybe impress upon her the idea, convince her that i'm not a flake, that i really am interested in her, and that i mean business. Hmmm..... Well I have definetely gotten to the point where this is considered a rant so I'm gonna stop but any suggestions, critisisms, comments, words of encouragment, advice.. whatever.. talk to me people! I know it's been a while since I wrote in here, i've been so busy, but I really would like to hear someone else talk about this besides me hehe... Wednesday, February 02, 2005
names I ran across this site on the popularity of certain names and I ran my father's name which came up as fairly popular throughout many different time periods which he found surprising speaking he's only ever encountered one other person by his name before. Well anyways, his name meant peninsula, so I jokingly asked "no man is an island but he can be a peninsula right?" "water on three sides and soggy in the middle?" hehe... guess you had to be there.... love me! :-D nurgle Well, in case no one has noticed I put an actual link on this blog to my poetry blog and also to the site I host my pictures on. Feel free to browse at will and if anyone is inclined go ahead and post comments on my poetry blog... Just coz I moved my poetry off the beaten path doesn't mean I was trying to give it more privacy, just it's own space. Morgan is working on the layout over there but as he hasn't finished it yet it is kinda... blah... so yeah... enjoy :) Sunday, January 30, 2005
beep beep beep beeb BEEP!!!! Ok, so my biological clock is going off and no matter how hard i smash it with a sledgehammer it keeps going off... I had extensive dreams of having a baby, being pregnant, the act of me getting pregnant which involved a good friend of mine, a syringe with a long tube hooked to the end of it and lots of laughter. In many ways I hope this was a glance into the future, though my future mate still remains a mystery to me, even in my dreams. I read an interesting quote this morning... people who are in love may sleep in the same bed but they have different dreams. Friday, January 28, 2005
predicimintos freshness mentos freshnes full of life! mentos, the freshmaker! Hmm.. where to begin? Well... Stephanie hasn't called me in a while, I talked to her sometime last week, it wasn't anything expressed exactly but it was definetely implied that she was going to invite me over when i got off work, just had to call her after work.. she didn't answer. Owell, I went home and read. I had fun heh... Anywho, so I have left messages, on her voicemail and with her roomate, still no word. I'm not the type to take a "hint" if one is being implied, only if it is factually stated. Some people get frustrated with this thinking I'm dense and don't have a clue, but in reality it's because I won't assume. I would find it a worse fate to call her when she doesn't want to talk to me but hasn't expressly said so rather than ASSUME she doesn't want to talk to me, pout about it and get myself all pissed off only to find out it was an accident or whatever, not to mention the fact that i'm not attached enough to let that get to me.. well exactly. I'm letting it get to me a bit only because of our friendship, I don't have many friends here so I definetely notice when one goes missing. I like having options as plenty of you (my friends in washington) are aware of. I don't really have many of those around here. I can either A) go home and read, B) go out with Crystal and get drunk, or C) Hang out with Stephanie (whenever the opportunity presents itself which especially lately is infrequent at best). Which brings me to my current prediciment (sp?)... I met a girl online who seems to be interested in me. I'm not interested in a relationship, and I can't tell if she is though I've definetely told her my feelings about this subject while talking on the phone. The thing about this that concerns me is that she's younger, she's 17, barely...She's very nice and sweet and I enjoy talking to her, but I'm fairly sure that I wouldn't want anything else out of this, even a physical thing. If I was 23 and she was 20 this would hardly be an issue but there is a lot of growing up to be done in those three years. Now I'm not saying she's immature, but I can almost guarantee you that if me now met me at 17, well there'd be some words between us heh... She's getting a ride into Reno tomorrow to come visit me. We're supposed to hang out after I get off work and I'm going to drive her home. If all goes well I will have made a friend, which I'm definetely in short supply for these days (and please guys, when I say this I mean in proximity, I know I have a lot of friends who love and adore me, but I need some proximate companionship, though it will never compare to our friendship(s)) I don't know I don't know I just don't fucking know... Oh and they took all my overtime away from me because apparetently the director of the department I work in was unaware of all the overtime he was going to be paying me, and it looks as though I was getting paid my current sallary when I was working over there.. ick Thursday, January 20, 2005
dream a dream a dream on I got home from work and crashed I ended up dreaming I was driving, in an SUV type vehicle I think. It was dark, I'm not sure if it was raining, or just kind of icky out, no it wasn't raining but there wasn't a lot of visibility, it may have been fog... anyways, I was listening to some monologue from a movie, I don't know what movie or if it even exists but in my dream it was kind of a classic...It was a movie most people had seen but I hadn't, anyways I was listening to this monologue while driving rather erratically trying to find an address, I think I was listening to the monologue on a loop, and a lot of it was giving me directions as to where I was going. I don't remember everything the woman in the monologue said but it was basically along the lines of the worst thing that was happening was having to give over her life to this other woman, that she'd moved in to her house, and all around stolen her identity. She had this immense pain in her voice as she spoke. I felt this insane connection with her, I needed to know her, I felt like I already did, I almost felt like finding out whatever it was I was searching for would help me know something of myself, because she WAS myself... I was frantically trying to find her house. I came to a stop light that was green, I slowed down for it so I could take down the address that the woman spoke of in the monologue, the road took a sharp turn to the left into a driveway, but while I didn't take the turn too fast, I didn't really have my hands on the wheel I guess, something, I took the turn as tight as I could and ended up with the tail end of my vehicle right on the edge of the road. Did I mention the corner of the road was a 200 foot drop into the bay? Well it was. Anyways I woke up to myself freefalling, waiting for the impact. I have way too many of these dreams where I wake up falling or dying, or almost dying... what does dying represent in dreams? Isn't it tremendous change or something? Hmm.. I'm a go look it up... well according to Dreams: health sex and everything else death/dying means "end of a cycle. something is finally over" but I never completely die, so something is almost over? What is it and why do I want it to end so badly? a beach is where conscious and unconscious meet, a car represents personal power, ego; which apparently I don't have any control over that, and don't take much responsibility for it if I'm writing while I drive.. falling is a loss of honor, fear of failure, loss of power and feeling out of control... under home it says "center of being. spiritual self. shelter. basic need fulfilled. happiness within the family" and this is something I was frantic to find, only it was someone else's home, yet if this woman was me, then it was my home too... hmmm and a house in general represents financial security, happiness within the family, honor and dignity, being. That I was in a hurry symbolized the end of a situation, danger of an accident, and doomed for disappointment (wonderful...). That I was on a journey of sorts means mystery, excitement, transition from one state to another; moving towards something. I f light means illumination, vision, a readiness to accept reality, then I wonder what dark means.. heh.. that I was lost means I am out of control and direction, lacking in confidence somewhere in my life. Night: darkness, mystery, unconscious contents, there is a myster that I want to penetrate. A road represents achievement of something, direction, a question over my life's path, the fact that it takes a sharp turn and I lose control...i am beginning to hope this dream wasn't prophetic heh... searching is exploration, looking for recognition of desires or wants... water is cleansing. life. emotions. "ask yourself about yoru current feelings." wreck: ruined. disorderly. there is a barrier to progress in your plans. writing: communication. review of your feelings. record of experience. *shrug* I'm just looking stuff up on this site and hoping, please someone who has a clue interpret my dream... Monday, January 17, 2005
60 second update Well... for those of you I haven't been in direct contact with in the last few weeks here's my update: I'm currently in the process of transferring from a hostess/cashier in the buffet to a front desk clerk of the hotel. The pay is almost $2 more an hour and I'm guaranteed my full 40 hours a week. I have my medical insurane (woot!) but I have to pay a $300 deductable before I can actually start taking full advantage of it (not-so-woot...). The buffet can't afford to let me fully transfer until they replace me so I'm stuck in the buffet and working my days off at the front desk, along with 3-4 hour shifts before my regular shifts in the buffet. So I'm looking at a 65-70 hour workweek(s) until they replace me which could be as late as, but no later than, february 7th...busybusybusy Steph has gone slightly MIA again, go figure, yay for booty calls! heh... I'm aiming for an April visit to Washington. Though nothing is set in stone yet, I'm hoping to fly down on a monday and fly back the following tuesday (mondays and tuesdays will be my days off by then) I'm hoping to visit all of my good friends from back home, go to Beth's AT LEAST once, go to the DH concert, and go to globe...oh and get my septum pierced by my favorite piercer of all time, Kirk... Oh and my van broke down (starter we think) and it needs to be towed to a mechanic..yay..phht.. peace. Saturday, January 08, 2005
white out Well... We're nearing 3 feet of snow now. After nearly breaking my back yesterday (friday) digging out my grandmother's car (which is 4wheel drive I was going to borrow in order to make it to work after my car wouldn't start when my dad went to help me put chains on it... ), only to finally finish, come inside to rest for 10 minutes before I was going to leave nearly 2 hours early for work from my boss. In a nutshell the buffet where I work is getting shut down till monday. This is very ironic speaking last week I called in to say I didn't think I could make it in the snow and the same boss told me to grin and bear it, drive slow I'd make it, I believe his exact words were "We're not just going to close the buffet because you don't want to drive in the snow." I just found it ironic that the same guy called me to say they were closing it coz NO ONE wanted to drive in the snow. So I had a 7 day workweek, followed by 5 days off, possibly more if the snow doesn't let up. I've gotten hooked into this show called Carnivale on HBO. It's on "On Demand" cable thingymajjig or whatever, meaning you can play the episodes any time, stop, pause, rewind the whole bit so I spent the better parts of yesterday and today watching the first season. I have two more episodes left so I'll probably finish it off tonight before bed. Had a blowout fight with mom and dad today. Some things were said that shouldn't have been, and some things were said that had been needing to be said for quite a while. Overall my day was emotionaly cleansing if not exausting and painful.
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PROFILE
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LINKS     
 Music is passionate love  Tank girl is bad-ass mother-fucker love  To be a lesbian is to be in love.  Feet are love  Jones Soda is bubbly love  C.S.I. is graphic love  Janis Joplin is beautiful talented love
 You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...  Capricorn is Ambitious Love  Alyson Hannigan is Why Can't You Be A Lesbian? love.  Fight Club is chaotic love  Chuck Palahniuk is psychological love   CONTACT CREDITS
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